Hope Edelman

My father died a year ago, at the age of seventy-four... When my mother died, I was dealing with my own grief and wasn't really old or mature enough to help my siblings through it. But when my father was dying, I was conscious that it was not only my grief I needed to be aware of, but my children's as well. And that I had to find the right balance. I couldn't focus only on them and put my own needs aside, and I couldn't get so caught up in my own needs that I ignored theirs.

My siblings and I are still close to each other, but in terms of being bonded as a family since my father died, what has happened instead, from my point of view, is that they've married into families that are close, and have become very involved with their spouse's family. My father was not a strong force. He didn't host family dinners or anything like that. But when he was alive, he gave us all a reason to go to New York and be in the same place at the same time. Now there's no longer that excuse. My husband and I are close to his family, but they live far away. We don't get to see them often. So I feel that we are kind of adrift, in terms of having an extended family. It's not about emotional closeness--I speak with my siblings frequently; it's really about the holidays and the traditions.

It's heart-wrenching and painful and difficult to go through the loss of a parent. I have a sense of relief that I don't have to go through it again. A lot of my friends are going to have to go through this once or twice still; they have it ahead of them. And I don't; it's in my past. That's a little bit freeing--to know that I don't have that fear ahead of me.

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